Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I pity the fool

*Update: I used my time traveling abilities to post this after April 1st because I forgot to post something about April Fool's Day and I'd already found this cool picture. Who but Jesus could give me these astonishing powers? He loves me. And dinosaurs.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Next time you feel me up in Walgreens I'm going to kick you in the Cadbury Eggs

I ran out of toothpaste again this morning, which is like the second time in two weeks. I go through a lot of toothpaste because I squeeze out the first two inches before I use it in case it is poisoned.

So I stopped at Walgreens on my way home from work and, as usual, started buying all kinds of crap that I never planned on buying to begin with. And because I only planned to buy toothpaste, I didn't grab a basket or one of those weird little tiny shopping carts they have there. This meant by the time I made it up to the cashier I had my arms full stacked up to my chin with bullshit like light bulbs, Q-tips, and Shamwow cloths.

While waiting in line I saw some Cadbury Cream Eggs for sale and of course I had to get some. I reached out like an idiot and half my shit went tumbling to the floor. I couldn't bend down to get it without dumping the rest of it too. There was this old couple behind me, maybe late 60's, and I kind of gave them a half-smile like "sorry, I know you fuckers are old but do you think you could bend down and pick up my shit?" This was apparently a great strategy because the old man immediately bent down and retrieved my batteries and Glade plug-in refills and started stacking them back on top of the rest of my useless crap.

What a nice old man right? No! Dude blatantly rubs my right boob for like 3 seconds while stacking my stuff, right in front of his wife! I couldn't believe it! My shock was so great that, of course, shit just tumbles right out of my arms again. I thought, no way is he going to do it again, but yes! He did! Boob rubbing part deux! I think it was even longer the second time because in my panic, I had dropped a good portion of my stuff. He rubbed the boob with the back of his crusty old fingers for the good part of a minute. I almost threw up.
So what is my reaction to the good, yet pervy samaritan? Do I get indignant and tell him to keep his hands to himself? No! I THANK him. I thank him! For rubbing my boob! I didn't know what else to do. This creaky old fucker is blowing out what is left of the cartilage in his knees to bend down and pick up my stuff, twice! Granted, he is totally molesting me in front of his wife and about 3 other Walgreen shoppers, but seriously, what choice did I have? I could have kicked the old bastard in the balls or something, but I would have looked like a crazy person. "Pick up my stuff old man and then watch as I haul off and kick you right in the balls! Take that!" I probably would have been arrested.

After my second molestation was complete, the old man's wife says to me "look, you dropped your toothpaste too" like she WANTED him to be rubbing my boob. I was like, no way old lady, go get your kicks in some other drug superstore, this bitch is closed. So I had no choice but to lie and say it wasn't my toohthpaste. The old dude was already bent halfway down again to retrieve it so I quickly turned around, basically threw my stuff at the checkout lady, and got the fuck out of there.

I was too traumatized to stop at another store, so I'm going to have to borrow my husband's toothpaste tonight to which he applies zero safety standards and has allowed whatever poison may have been inserted to seep throughout the whole tube. Great. I'll probably be dead tomorrow.

Friday, March 13, 2009

A hippo will never eat you, but a bear will fuck your shit up... and I can respect that

I am obsessed with stories about animals eating people. Not just attacking people, actually eating people. Like, for dinner. I've read probably 20 books on the subject and watch every documentary that I can find that shows people getting bit, or talking about how the people were eaten. It's like a sick fetish I realize, but I cannot get enough. I am rooting for the animals. I get disappointed when people talk about their narrow escapes. I guess if they come away horribly mutilated I am somewhat satisfied. It kind of depends on how fucked up they look.

Anyway, so the other night I was watching one of those "When Animals Go Fucking Psycho on Your Shit" type shows when I came to a pretty interesting conclusion: Hippos are hands-down the biggest assholes in the dangerous-animal community. They kill more people per year in Africa than FUCKING CROCODILES, and they are GODDAMMED VEGETARIANS!!! They never eat the people! They eat grass and shit! On top of this, people who actually survive walk away almost completely intact! It's not like a hippo can tear someone's fucking face off with their stubby little paws or whatever they are called. Look at these things! They are just little tiny nubs! No one is going to get their eyes ripped out of the socket by those things!

If you are going to kill hundreds of people a year make it worth my while and EAT THEM!!!! God, you are so annoying with your self-righteous "I won't eat humans but I'll kill them, I'll kill them to death" attitude. It makes me want to punch you in your stupid, fat gut, you smug asshole. Just eat some meat! It won't kill you! My best friend used to feet her pet pig strips of bacon. If her pig could get over that, surely you can force down a few bites of human.

Look at what a bear did to this guy! That I can respect. I mean, he didn't get eaten so he's still sort of a pussy, but at least he did the next best thing! This guy took one for the team and at least made his attack bring pleasure to millions of sick fucks like me. It means something. It has value. And bears don't fuck around. They will eat you. They will eat you in a heartbeat.

Could a hippo pull that off? No way! Here is a hippo-attack victim. Notice the difference? This douche looks bored out of his mind! No disfigurement at all! What a selfish motherfucker.
I am equally angry at the hippo and his "victim." The hippo for refusing to swallow, and the dude for looking so damn impressed with himself for surviving. HE DIDN'T WANT TO EAT YOU, YOU GLIB BASTARD!

Another thing about hippos that really pisses me off is their ears. They are just so stupid. I can't even look at them for too long without getting angry. I mean, I seriously feel a deep burning rage at how ridiculous they look perched on top of the enormous hippo head. And when they twirl them around? Oh my fucking God! It makes me want to scream. Your ears are so fucking stupid, so stupid!!!! JUST EAT SOMEBODY, PLEASE!!!!

*Update: My husband says that I used too many swear words in this post. I am now even angrier at the hippos for getting me so mad that I look like a complete psycho. I hate them so much.

*Update 2: Someone accused pointed out that making fun of animals and swearing at them has already been done. What they don't realize is that I actually hate hippos. I want them dead. That is completely different than swearing at an animal because it is painfully cute. Plus, shut the fuck up. I will steal ideas whenever I please.