The plastic pants will also protect my ass as I sit atop my mountain of salt, safe from the alligators. So they are totally practical.

It's so weird that in just a few months it's going to be 2010. That totally sounds like the future. I think I might be disappointed if people don't start wearing plastic clothes next January. All of the moves about the future predict that, and I think it's damn time we start obliging them. I know technically many strippers have been promoting this movement for some time, but I think the rest of us need to get on board before it's too late and the future gets here and we are all standing around looking like idiots in our non-plastic fashions. I'm just trying to protect our reputations here.



So I decided to tell my husband about this:

Lemish: "I was going to tell you about how I think it's time that we all start wearing plastic clothing because it's almost the future and I don't want us to look stupid if it gets here and we are all looking like a bunch of assholes walking around in our denim and cotton and whatever, but then I remembered that you think the world is going to end in 2012, so you probably think it would be stupid to invest in an entire new faction of textile manufacturing if we are only going to wear the stuff for like 2 more years anyway, right?

Lemish's husband: "... What?"

Lemish: You probably don't think we should waste our time developing a line of plastic clothing to look cool in the future because you think the world is going to end in 2012. Right?"

Lemish's husband: "Yeah, that's exactly why I think your idea is crap. No other reason. PLUS, I have never said that I think the world is going to end in 2012. Why would I say that?"

Lemish: "I know. Otherwise you would see that my idea is clearly awesome..... Get it? Clearly. Because plastic is clear...."

Lemish's husband: "..."

Lemish: "Oh, and you have said many times how you believe the world is going to end in December 2012 because of that whole Mayan calendar thing. Because that's when their super accurate calendar just stopped, so people think that means the world is going to end?"

Lemish's husband: "..."

Lemish: "Remember? We talked about it and said that we should buy a bunch of stuff a few weeks before because number one people will probably be selling stuff for cheap because paper money will no longer have any value, and if the world does end we won't have to pay our credit card balances? It's going to be so sweet."

Lemish's husband: "We have never discussed anything like that. I don't even know what you are talking about."

Lemish: "We totally have! I was like, 'we should but shit loads of salt because I once read this book about the future and the world had been destroyed by nuclear weapons and they used salt as currency because humans need salt to live and it is hard to find it naturally' and then you were like, 'we will also need lots of guns to guard our huge salt treasure against looters' and I was like, ' I am against guns, we should just set some awesome booby traps around our huge pile of salt instead so no one will fuck with it. We could build a moat and put alligators in it. No one would fuck with alligators just to get our salt. And if they do then they probably deserve it more than we do.' Remember now?"

Lemish's husband: "..."

Lemish's husband: "Sometimes I think you have imaginary conversations with me and then act like I am the crazy one when I don't remember them."

Lemish: "Maybe you are just imagining that we didn't have that conversation. How about that? Ha!"

Lemish's husband: "True. I try to imagine that about all of our conversations."

...

Random thought: Not really related to the future, but I think it's weird that people were not more amazed when science created a real life Invisibility Cloak. IT IS LIKE FREAKING MAGIC, PEOPLE. What does it take to impress you fuckers?

White, American Jesus says "Happy 4th of July!"

If this is too soon, come back in seven days

I was talking to my husband last night before we feel asleep and I told him that I came up with a good idea for a cartoon.

Lemish: "It would be Elvis in heaven, with clouds and angel wings and shit, and Michael Jackson would just have gotten there, and Elvis goes 'You have no idea how long I've waited for this."

"Wouldn't that be hilarious?"

Lemish's husband: "..."

Lemish's husband: "I don't get it."

Lemish: "What don't you get? It's like Elvis has been waiting for years to kick Michael Jackson's ass and now that he's dead he will finally get his chance! It's awesome!"

Lemish's husband: "...Oh, like, because people call both of them 'The King' or something?"

Lemish: "NO! Because MJ married Elvis's daughter and was all weird about it! Don't you remember how terrible it was when they kissed at the VMAs like 15 years ago?"

Lemish's husband: "Oh yeah, I guess. So you're making a joke about something that happened over 15 years ago that nobody cares about anymore. Cool."

Lemish: "No. People will still think it is hilarious. Elvis fans never forget."

Lemish's husband: "Don't you think it's too soon for this anyway? Everyone knows you have to wait seven days before you start mocking the dead. If you do it before that you are an asshole."

Lemish: "That's crazy. If I wait seven days someone else is going to come up with this and scoop me! Then I will look unfunny and outdated!"

Lemish's husband: "I don't think seven days is going to matter."

Lemish: "Why? You think no one else will come up with it so it will still be funny?"

Lemish's husband: "No, because it was never going to be funny."

Lemish: "..."

And if they continue to displease me I shall throw dirt in their tank for 40 days and 40 nights. I smite thee, Sea Monkey sinners!

I realize I totally suck as a blogger because I have let a million years go by without posting anything. I have no excuse. I started a post a couple of days ago about how I sort of peed my pants at work, but there really was nothing more to say about it than that. It would have been a 8 word post.

"Hey guys, I peed my pants at work."

I probably could have expanded on the reason why - I refuse to use the toilets in my building because they have black toilet seats and I am afraid of them*. I was trying to run down to the first floor bathrooms because they have seats that were manufactured in this decade, but some dude in the elevator kept asking me questions about the fucking weather, and I felt too rude to walk away while he was talking so I peed down my leg a little. I think he might have noticed because I was wearing a skirt. He kind of abruptly walked away once it happened. It might have been because I made a little squeal when it happened too and he was like "this chick is making dolphin noises, time to go." I don't know.

But all of this just seemed kind of sad, so I didn't post it.

I feel sad that I have neglected my blog. It's how I used to feel when I would get tired of my Sea Monkeys and I would stop feeding them and they would all stop swimming around and I would cry because I totally killed their whole Sea Monkey village like some vengeful God of the Sea Monkeys.

Holy crap! I was totally their God! God Lemish. That is so freaking awesome! I think I'm going to buy some new Sea Monkeys and feed them long enough so that their society has time to evolve and build the awesome castles that I was promised on the front of the box. I will make them build images in my likeness and punish them when they have not pleased me by unleashing a plague of goldfish on their asses. Let's see how long those fuckers keep having pre-marital Sea Monkey sex after that.

*Note: Please note that my paranoid germaphobia would NEVER allow me to sit on a public toilet seat, regardless of color. But the mere idea of being in the same room as a black toilet seat makes me shudder with horror.