Friday, April 24, 2009

You would hate them too if their furry heads and powdery wings haunted your dreams

I don't like butterflies. Everyone is so fooled by their beautiful image, they don't even take a close look at these things. THEY ARE HORRIFYING.

So they are terrifying, hairy, flying bugs with wings made of powder. And for some reason, someone thought it would be an awesome idea to put images of these horrifying creatures on every accessory manufactured for teenagers. That means I am assaulted by their image even in places that I should be safe, like inside.

There are many reasons for my dislike, but I think the primary reason is that when I was 4 my mom caught a monarch butterfly and thought that I would like to see it. So while I was away at pre-school she stuck the butterfly to my new bulletin board in my bedroom with a thumbtack. Right through the disgusting powdery wing. When I got home from school, the butterfly was still lightly flapping it's wings against the board. That's right, she tacked a LIVE BUTTERFLY TO MY BULLETIN BOARD! To my FUCKING bulletin board. Upon seeing this, I completely lost my shit. I think I may have blacked out for a minute, because the next thing I remember is sitting on my floor covered in tears and shredded pieces of powdery wings.

My mom claims to this day that the butterfly was dead when she found it. But this is also from the woman who says she "forgets" dancing around me in a circle saying over and over again, "I'm a witch, I'm a witch!" when I was little, which totally happened. How sick would I have to be to make something like that up? Clearly, she is not to be trusted.

*Update: So I was totally going to put a picture of someone killing a butterfly and call them my hero or something, but the first result I got was this and I was too disturbed to look any more. I'm going to go throw up now.

*Update 2: I was informed that me choice of accessory was not appropriate for a teen/tweenager so I have replaced it. I'm sure I will now be criticized for choosing something that, while age-appropriate, is not exactly an "accessory." But fuck it, you get the picture.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Goonies never say die. (Especially when they are deaf vigilantes of justice.)

So I've had this life long dream to be a Goonie. Because if I was a Goonie I could get into all kinds of adventures and figure out neat ways to get myself out of dangerous situations. I would also have this cool group of friends that would follow me around and say hilarious things. And we could all make fun of the Asian kid to make ourselves feel superior.

Anyway, if I was a Goonie I could be out saving the day all the time. Like if I was ever stuck in a McDonalds drive-thru lane and a carjacker came up to me and was all "give me your fucking car, you Goonie!" I could totally foil his plan. I couldn't just drive way and go for help because I would be completely blocked in by the asshole in front of me ordering his 12 Big Macs, so I would have to come up with a different Goonie plan.

I think I would bamboozle the carjacker and make him think that I was deaf and that I couldn't understand his carjacking instructions. I would just start frantically signing at him with a confused look on my face. Like "Where are my McNuggets that I was promised? I would like Hot Mustard please." The carjacker would be so frustrated with my inability to understand him that he would have to move on to the next car. In the meantime, I would have been secretly signing to the drive-thru worker to call 911. Then the police would show up and bust his ass before he could carjack anyone at all. Victorious!

Everyone would be so happy with me that they would reward me with a big bag of jewels, which is the usual Goonie fee for a job well done. And I would get to go on Oprah and tell my tale of vigilante justice, just like that old lady who got burgled and was able to stop her burglar by crushing his testicles. I think Oprah bought her a small country or something for being awesome and crushing a burglar's balls and because that is one less pair of balls we have to deal with in the world.
No one would judge me for pretending to have a disability because I would totally donate half of my jewels and at least one quarter of my island to the hearing impaired because I am liable generous like that. I would teach them all how to hand jam and how to make fun of the Asian kids in their group with ASL. Oprah would probably give me a two-part episode and buy me a fleet of rickshaws for all of my good deeds.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Mine is about vah jays

Okay, I'm stealing another awesome idea from my hero, The Bloggess (who commented on my blog the other day, holy shit!), and posting this completely immature hilarious animated movie that I made with this site . It's completely awesome pointless and about vaginas below my usual level of sophistication, but it did make me snort with laughter for about 3 days. Enjoy.

Cheating the system doesn't make my victory any less sweet

Confession: I click on the link to my blog 70 times a day to pump up my Google Analytics numbers. It's like analytical steroids. If blogging were an Olympic sport I would be the Chinese. Or the Russians. One of those asshole countries for sure.