Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I'm going to use the headless bodies as diversity paperweights

There is a battle of wills going on in my office. Our office Christmas tree is still set up in the middle of the office an no one wants to be the one to take it down. Each day the effort to avoid looking at it, and therefore be designated as the one to take it down, gets more and more difficult. Each of us has devised creative methods to appear busy or engrossed in something else as we walk by it. None of us acknowledge that we are avoiding it. We all act like it's perfectly normal to still have the undecorated tree up on January 20th.

Up until last week I had been trying out different strategies to avoid being the one to take it down. I kept up a pathetic looking limp for two weeks just to shirk it. Another successful method of mine was to crazily mutter to myself while shuffling a stack of papers around as I walked past the tree. If anyone talked to me I would just say something like "How do they expect me to get 700 mules to Arkansas by Friday? Huh? You tell me!" and then walk away, twitching my head to one side.

Last week I grew tired of the charade so I devised a strategy that would allow us to keep the tree up for another few months at least. I figured I could hang a bunch of Martin Luther King figurines from the tree and make it a Diversity tree. What racist asshole decided that Martin Luther King day didn't deserve a tree anyway? Like Christmas is so superior? I realized that I must make a Diversity Tree to stick it to The Man! Equal Tree rights for all, motherfuckers!

So I bought some MLK bobble heads online and tried to hang them from the tree, but they were too heavy so I pulled their heads off and just hung those up with some twine. I was pretty happy with it and felt like not only had I finally brought justice to a tragically under-decorated holiday, I'd also allowed for an extended period of laziness by giving us a reason not to take down the tree. This is why I was totally surprised when people started freaking out. They were like "you can't just hang decapitated Martin Luther King heads off of a tree with pieces of rope! Don't you know how that looks?" And I was like "Hell yeah I do, it looks like a kick-ass Diversity Tree!" because it totally did. They kept going on and on about how bad it looked, and how I was celebrating the practice of lynching, all the while completely ignoring my festive 'Diversity! Yeah!' tree topper.
As usual people refuse to see my vision.


Don't call me Kat said...

1. It's not February 20th.
2. I think MLK getting his own day is the epitomy of exclusion.
3. What did Whitey in HR think??

P.S. I hope you know my blog post title was crafted solely to lure you over.

Lemish said...

1. I don't live my life according to someone else's calendar. I'm a rebel.
2. What does epitomy mean? It sounds racist.
3. She had spasms on the floor and remains in a coma to this day. I think only a kiss from her one true love, Rush Limbaugh, will revive her.

HannahBanana said...

I tried putting up something similar in my office, celebrating The White Man, and the power behind diversity. I called it "Wh*te P0w3r" Day. I don't think they appreciated my attempts either. You are underappreciated in your time, Lemish.