Friday, May 1, 2009

I'm sorry I stole your pills and then defaced your home with my Jewish graffiti

So we've been shopping for a new house, and house hunting is, decidedly, a pain in the ass. The only thing that I like about it is that you have a legitimate reason to look through people's stuff. Like, it is totally okay for me to go through people's medicine cabinets because I need to accurately judge if it will hold all of my meds. Our realtor says I don't need to read the labels on all of the pill bottles to judge the size of the medicine cabinet, but obviously I need to see if the previous owner took a bunch of anti-depressants or something because maybe it was their shitty house making them depressed. Or if they take anti-psychotics because they are seeing things, maybe their house is haunted. These are things I need to know.

Aside from looking through the home owner's stuff, they rest of the home buying experience is stressful. It's hard to find a house that people didn't totally fuck up by adding their own style elements. And I feel like the second we do like a house, someone else is going to come in and snatch it out from under us. So to avoid this I came up with a really awesome plan to dissuade any other buyers from buying one of the houses we like; I draw satanic pentagrams all over the place.

This is a totally awesome plan. No one is going to buy a house from a bunch of depressed devil worshippers! The house will be ours. We can totally low ball the seller too because we will be the only offer. "We shall give you $5 for this house. Good day Sir." And they will have no choice but to take it because once word gets around that they are devil worshippers they will get fired from their jobs and be totally poor. Everybody wins!

So anyway, I decided to put my plan into action at a house we saw last weekend. While my husband had the realtor distracted by concerns about "structural integrity" I quickly drew three pentagrams inside the master bedroom closet with a sharpie. I also wrote "I love the Devil!!!!" with a big pentagram around it like an evil Valentine. Just in case the people were from Canada and didn't know what a pentagram was.

After that, I went around back and started drawing some kick-ass pentagrams on the garage. My husband walked up all concerned and said "Oh my God, what the fuck are you doing? Vandalizing the house?" as if he wasn't totally in on my plan already. I was like "Isn't it obvious? I am making the owners look like scary devil worshippers so no one will put an offer in on the house. I know, I am awesome, no need to thank me."
So then he was like, "Are you a complete idiot? That isn't a pentagram. It's a mother-fucking Star of David, symbol of the Jewish faith! You look like a Jewish gang member out here tagging this place up for the Sabbath or some shit."

Then he tried to pull the sharpie from my hand to scratch out my work. I screamed at him to stop. "First of all, I don't think you are right. It has 6 points, just like 666. That is totally the Devil's favorite number. And secondly, if it is the Jewish star, you can't just cross it out! Someone could see us and think that we are all anti-Semitic. Like the owners decorated their garage with these symbols of their faith and we come along and are all 'Nuh -uh, won't have any of this crap while we live here. Heil!' Plus, there is probably some curse involved that's put on people who defile religious symbols. We are probably fucked even talking about this! In fact, I think we should write down how much we love Jewish people so that the curse knows we are cool."

So I started writing things under my stars, like "We wish we were Jewish!" "Kosher or DIE!!!" "Cut up penises for everyone!" Well right about then is when the realtor showed up to check on us.

We were escorted to the curb and asked to leave and not contact them again. As my husband forced me into the car I was screaming and sobbing out the open window "We love the Jews! We love the Jews! I was trying to draw Devil worshipping symbols, that's all! Please give me this house. Puh-lease!!!" I frantically scribbled down my offer on a crumpled piece of paper and threw it out the window at the realtor.

I'm hoping to get their counter-offer some time this week.


Anonymous said...

Next time you should leave naked pictures of old people and geriatric porn all over the place (in closets, cupboards, floating face-up in the toilet, wherever) - you can't get kicked out, because it's not vandalism. But people would be all confused and maybe they'd feel a little bit like throwing up, and they'd get the fuck out of there, because I don't think anyone could make an offer on a house filled with erotic depictions of the elderly. Hell, any porn would probably work. Midgets!

Awesome blog, BTW.

Lemish said...

Excellent idea. I have a friend who is heavily into midget porn too, so it would save me some time.

Diesel said...

I always like it when some moron tries to draw a swastika on a bathroom stall wall or something, but they can't remember how the lines go, so it looks like the bathroom has been defaced by retarded Nazis.

HannahBanana said...

I like it when people try to draw a peace sign, but accidently draw the logo for Chrystler instead. Now you're dumb AND greedy, you SOB! But I wouldn't walk around putting up Chrystler symbols all around the house. I think that would confuse potential buyers, but not necessarily dissuade them. They might actually think that the house comes with a grandpa-car.